November 29, 2020

American Savage: Leave a message after the Beep

America stumbles into his dingy apartment after another long day at the office. His voicemail is full, and he presses “play.”
“Hi, this is America, I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and a brief message, I’ll get back to you … ”
BEEP
—“Hello? America? It’s … it’s England …. Look I’ve been thinking a lot about us…you know I went out with some of the guys tonight and we had some rounds and…..SHUT UP, I’M TELLING HIM … I miss you, States. I miss you. We had such a good thing. The long distance was….look we’ve both matured since then, and our communication problems would be so much easier …. I’m rambling now… I know. Just call me back, OK? Maybe we could talk over a summit?”
BEEP
—“America? It is China. I believe we need to meet very soon. You know I don’t like making these calls but … you’re behind on the rent, OK? It’s been a few months in a row and it is starting to get out of hand. We will meet tomorrow to discuss your fund problem.”
BEEP
—“ … [sobbing] America? It’s me, Afghanistan … [sobs] … Look I don’t know how to say this … I was at my doctor’s office today and … I think maybe you should go to your doctor to…..I just can’t believe we didn’t have better protection! Anyway … call me back and we can talk … I’ve got some things I need to say.”
BEEP
—“America? Hello? America? [Gunfire] It’s Mexico … GET DOWN [more gunfire] Look we have to talk … we could really use a hand with our…..INCOMING … with our situation … [louder gunfire] I’m not sure if you can hear…..we’ve got guns and drugs all over the place and … well some of it is your … [explosion] We could really use a hand cleaning up! Call!”
BEEP
—“Hello, America. China again. We have been unable to arrange meetings with you to discuss your fund balance and rent situation. We would appreciate you returning our phone call as SOON AS POSSIBLE.”
BEEP
—“I MISS YOU SO MUCH, SWEETY. I’M SORRY ABOUT THE BLOODY TEA, I WASN’T MAD ABOUT THE TEA, I JUST FELT UNLOVED! SHUT UP, FRANCE! I’LL GET OFF THE PHONE WHEN I DAMN WELL —-“
BEEP
—“America. Russia. We may have something of interest to you. Call back.”
BEEP
—“America, it’s Canada calling. We just wanted to know if you’d like to RSVP to our “Glee” viewing party this Friday. It’s BYOF, which stands for Bring Your Own Fun! Anyway, hope to see you there. Not for nothing, but Lithuania has already given me a ‘maybe.’ See you then!”
BEEP
—“America. This is China. We have left several messages regarding your account, and without immediate action or payment we will begin ending services. The balance will be deducted through whatever items of value we are able to remove from the residence and you will be reimbursed for the remainder in 90 days. We are sorry for the inconvenience, and have a pleasant day.”
BEEP
—“America? North Korea. Is your refrigerator running? Well, you had better go make it recognize the glory of our exalted leader! [Hysterical laughter]”
BEEP
—-“America? Um, this is Haiti. It’s been a while … haven’t heard back from you…..left several messages … just … just call me.”
BEEP
—“America. Cuba here. Screw it, we’re invading Florida.”

American Savage is a weekly column written by Journal opinion editor Collin Reischman

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