It’s a dark day for Webster students as the infamous Chicken Finger Bandit has allegedly come out of his year-long hibernation to terrorize those looking to enjoy a hearty meal at the Marletto’s Cafe. Students are asked to be aware of the masked fiend looking to swipe any crispy tenders prime for the taking.
The bandit left a note behind at the scene of the crime, which reads:
“Those crispy, golden treats are a meal I desire,
Oh so good that only one man can admire it.
All of Webster’s tenders will be mine, it’s just a matter of time. So ask yourself this: is what I’m doing really a crime?”
Multiple Webster students have noticed a pattern in the Chicken Finger Bandit’s heists: He only strikes on April 1, and today’s supposed “theft” all but solidifies this hypothesis in their minds.
Witnesses claim the suspect wears a yellow hat and jersey, drawing close resemblance to sophomore Kellen Furmaniak, a self-proclaimed chicken tender connoisseur.
“Yeah, there’s no doubt in my mind that Kellen took my tenders while I wasn’t looking,” junior Zoe DeYoung says. “I saw him running away from Marletto’s with one of them in his hand while wearing some cheap-looking mask.”
Furmaniak declined to comment on the allegations.
The writer of this article believes the situation is a hoax, and students should pay no mind to the bandit’s supposed whereabouts. Continue to enjoy chicken tenders out in the open, and don’t be afraid to leave them unattended!
Share this post
