Chicken Finger Bandit Strikes Again!


It’s a dark day for Webster students as the infamous Chicken Finger Bandit has allegedly come out of his year-long hibernation to terrorize those looking to enjoy a hearty meal at the Marletto’s Cafe. Students are asked to be aware of the masked fiend looking to swipe any crispy tenders prime for the taking.

The bandit left a note behind at the scene of the crime, which reads:

“Those crispy, golden treats are a meal I desire,
Oh so good that only one man can admire it.
All of Webster’s tenders will be mine, it’s just a matter of time. So ask yourself this: is what I’m doing really a crime?”

Multiple Webster students have noticed a pattern in the Chicken Finger Bandit’s heists: He only strikes on April 1, and today’s supposed “theft” all but solidifies this hypothesis in their minds.

Witnesses claim the suspect wears a yellow hat and jersey, drawing close resemblance to sophomore Kellen Furmaniak, a self-proclaimed chicken tender connoisseur.

“Yeah, there’s no doubt in my mind that Kellen took my tenders while I wasn’t looking,” junior Zoe DeYoung says. “I saw him running away from Marletto’s with one of them in his hand while wearing some cheap-looking mask.”

Furmaniak declined to comment on the allegations.
The writer of this article believes the situation is a hoax, and students should pay no mind to the bandit’s supposed whereabouts. Continue to enjoy chicken tenders out in the open, and don’t be afraid to leave them unattended!


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Nellek Kainamruf
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