In the first edition of "The Junk Drawer," opinions editor Tim Doty explores his favorite…
Cigarettes and heroin: the breakfast of champions
There are few things in this world that everyone would love to have — money, popularity and happiness to name a few. However, there is one particular desire which leads to all of these. That is a chiseled, Greek-like, defined body. Yes, it is true. If you are attractive, you will get the best job, acquire more friends and, in turn, will be happier. And if you have an ugly face you should probably stop reading now because you are, in all likelihood, going to be poor and alone the rest of your life. For all of you pretty people, do not be discouraged. Outlined below are the simple steps to achieve your goal of losing weight, being healthy, and most importantly, getting laid.
There are many ways you can lose weight. Working out and dieting are very successful ways to do this, but ain’t nobody got time for that. If you really want those superficial friends you are seeking, simply find meal replacements like smoking a cigarette or two. Taking up smoking has multiple benefits. Nicotine is a natural appetite suppressant and, over time, kills your taste buds so you don’t have to worry about enjoying your favorite meals. Also, a Harvard University study shows smoking can prevent Parkinson’s disease. I don’t know what that is, but I have a hunch that the healthy people don’t have Parkinson’s disease.
Are cigarettes not doing the trick for you? Then go the ultimate route and pick up a heroin syringe to enjoy the benefits of not being able to afford food from the money-consuming black hole of substance abuse!
Even if you do manage to save some cash for calories, you will be too sick from the side effects of the white pony to be able to hold anything down. Additionally, studies show you will get great exercise by running from the police for stealing your neighbor’s car stereo.
Besides, you will be too high to remember to eat anyway. Being high and scratching off all the bugs on your skin is not for everybody. Luckily, there are other ways to support a healthy lifestyle. Adding fast food to your diet increases the likelihood of you losing weight from how fast it moves through your system. Your digestive track simply does not have enough time to absorb all the wonderful nutrients a triple cheeseburger has to offer. Once you eat enough burgers to have your own ‘one billion served’ sign, you will be lucky enough to go through the process of getting a new heart from the destruction of your previous one. New beginnings are essential in your quest for a better life. Young kids are invincible and can do whatever they want. Except for you, so live today like it’s your last day on Earth.