Editor’s note: Last week, Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain told an interviewer he was prepared for the “Gotcha” questions.
“And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan is, I’m going to say I don’t know, do you? How does that create one job?”—Herman Cain
Mere hours before publication, Journal opinion editor Collin Reischman received this urgent letter from the Prime Minister of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, with whom he regularly corresponds over whiskey and Skype. Reischman demanded it be printed in lieu of his regular column.
“To Whom it May Concern,
Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan would like to publicly denounce the inconsiderate and damaging remarks made this week by presidential candidate Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, in a characteristic lapse of professionalism and poise, openly objected to the spreading of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan culture everywhere. Furthermore, Mr. Cain is a blatantly irresponsible man. Our limited access to cable television and the Internet forces us to rely primarily on Fox News and poorly-translated New York Times headlines. Based on this, we have learned that Mr. Cain is the frontrunner for the nomination to contend with your president in this year’s general election war.
Our people have occupied these lands for nearly 1,000 years, while your nation remains in its infancy. We find it amusing that Mr. Cain would lack even the most basic information about our nation —which, unlike his — was founded on native people practicing non-violent means of self-advancement.
Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan is accustomed to the careless disregard of our peoples by comfortable, wealthy, white businessmen that normally run for president of large Western nations. But we were astonished a comfortable, wealthy, black businessman would share the same views. Does it mean nothing to Mr. Cain that Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan has never had an oil spill, despite possessing 1/13 of the world’s reserves? Does Mr. Cain find it unimportant that Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan has never been accused of war crimes? Mr. Cain may or may not find it interesting that while our economy may be small, it is not comprised of institutions that are fundamentally flawed, destined to cause more economic unrest for the masses.
Perhaps Mr. Cain should find it interesting to know that the Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan economy has never collapsed and eliminated more than $17 trillion from the world market.
Of course, we are certain Mr. Cain would know more about our nation if it were harboring terrorists. We doubt very much that Mr. Cain could locate us on a map, unless of course he had to identify places with Muslims that he would like to see bombed.
Our nation may be inconsequential to Mr. Cain’s constitutients, but we have never harbored dangerous weapons, armed illegal rebellions or embraced ethnic cleansing, unlike some other countries that the United States continues to endorse.
We may not boast mighty numbers or impressive cities, but we have a constitution that embraces parliamentary government and free speech. We do not make a blip on your news rotations, but we have also never imprisoned political dissidents, borrowed money from a foreign power, or sought nuclear weaponry.
On behalf of the people of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, I’d like to express our sympathy for Mr. Cain. He will sadly never know a nation like ours, where substance matters more than style when electing our leaders. He will never know about a country that does not consider its corporations (both of them) to be individuals. He will never know about a country that handles drug offenders with treatment in place of brute enforcement. He will never know a country with a miniscule prison population and clean air thanks to our lack of ‘clean coal.’
I will be directing the Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan intelligence agencies to monitor Mr. Cain very closely. Our sleeper cells, which remain scattered in key campaign states, will be prepared to take drastic measures if Mr. Cain proceeds with his message of gleeful stupidity toward the world stage.
These highly trained operatives have been cleared to use any means necessary to cripple the Cain for President movement, and have begun by tampering with the Godfathers Pizza ingredients. We highly recommend nobody order a large mushroom with extra cheese unless they want a hypodermic dart loaded with truth-serum lodged in their neck.
Prime Minister Aru Qiding, Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.”