November 24, 2020

American Savage: In Case You Missed It

Welcome back, dear reader. It has been a few months since we were last together and, in the interest of filling space, killing time and easing the transition, it feels proper to give a quick blow-by-blow of all the big stories we’ve missed since last May.
In honor of the two-party system and the founding fathers, each story will be presented in duality.
Osama Bin Laden is killed by U.S. Navy Seals and possibly Jesus himself.
–The brave and courageous members of our special forces won a cathartic battle in the war on terror by executing a mass murdering terrorist operative wanted across the globe.
OR
–The cowardly American policy that authorized a unilateral military action against an ally nation led to the murder of a foreign rebel leader, the capture of his remains and the disposal of his body by armed criminals.
Casey Anthony is not guilty, says the nation’s 12 least in-touch people.
–A travesty of justice. Despite the overwhelming media orgy and man-on-the-street certainty of her guilt, Casey Anthony was acquitted of the murder of her four-year-old daughter, Caylee.
OR
–The most benevolent criminal justice system in human history acquitted a suspect after a jury of her peers heard evidence and testimony that could not convince them of her guilt, which was pre-determined by a sensationalist public.
President Obama and Republicans engage in debt battle and reach a first-ever “Nobody Wins,” deal.
–The Great Compromiser, President Obama, sacrificed party principles and posturing to prevent the first ever US-debt default, thus rescuing humanity from unstoppable Armageddon and ushering in an age of pure utopian bliss.
OR
–Republican leaders wisely prevented the Great Socialist Messiah from once again driving the nation off the cliff of doom into the lake of fire. These brave and fearless small-government defenders single-handedly saved the nation from a crazed Kenyan madman hell-bent on launching all the U.S. nukes at ounce.
The town of Republic, Mo., bans Kurt Vonnegut’s “Slaughterhouse Five” from school libraries.
–School board officials bravely and righteously banned a book that graphically depicts sex, violence, war and profanity to our youth. This action will protect children everywhere from succumbing to the evils of the modern world, protecting purity.
OR
–Idiotic bureaucrats banish an anti-war book from children because their atavistic morality prevents them from seeing value in anything that uses swear words or sex. Parents attempt to protect children from “indecent material” by keeping them uneducated and insulated, ironically the height of indecency.
The final Harry Potter film is released in the “crying because I’m happy” moment of the summer.
–The iconic tale of the boy wizard that enticed the world as a book series before exploding box office records comes to a dramatic conclusion, closing the book (see what I did there?) on a once-in-a-generation fantasy story.
OR
–As far as our crack research team here at The Journal has been able to determine, there are no differing opinions on this particular story, save for a small fringe group of book-burning witch-hunters too obsessed with magic to realize it’s no longer 1645.
Amy Winehouse dies at 27.
–A tortured princess, the perpetually misunderstood Winehouse died in her London home of a possible overdose (autopsy reports not yet released to the public). The sultry queen of “Back to Black” added herself to the long list of musicians whose art would be their only salvation, thanks to a number of highly public nuclear meltdowns.
OR
–The drug-addicted alcoholic, Winehouse, wasted her blessings and talent in a world that was ready to embrace both, and pay her well. A reminder of our own morality, her death will launch her career to a level that her living-self might never have achieved.
But for good or ill, here we are back at school as the bright eager minds of the future, if my brochure is to be believed. National crisis of conscience or mega-movies will need to take a backseat for the time being. But fear not, The Journal will be there to keep you in the loop, in the know and out of the dark. Good luck, dear reader.

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