If there’s anything I’ve learned from the David Petraeus scandal, it’s this: It is impossible to hide an affair.
Seriously, if the director of the CIA can’t keep his extramarital affair a secret, no one can. Let me repeat myself. If the director of the world-renowned Central Intelligence Agency — which specializes in classified information — isn’t able to hide his weekend romance, neither can you.
It doesn’t matter who you are. That secret “dead drop” email account you made to keep you and your lover’s correspondence private? One day you’re going to slip and send a message to your boss from the wrong email. IPhones make that really easy. Believe me.
The biography your lover is writing about you? Yeah, that’s a bad idea. Eventually, all of those trips you’re taking together for “research” are going to catch up with you.
Do you have your hands on any sensitive, classified information? Don’t let your partner-in-love-crime access them — unless you want to marry them, of course. Because we all know married couples aren’t required to testify against each other.
The inability to conceal this affair has Americans saying, “David, how stupid could you be?” But perhaps the issue at hand isn’t how hard it is to hide an affair. It might be time to take a good, hard look at the CIA and see how much work it’s really getting done. If the man in charge can’t keep a secret, how could we expect his subordinates to?
What if it’s all a sham and the CIA is just a way for former military personnel to keep a nice paycheck rolling in?
Think about it. When was the last time the CIA publicly announced a project it was working on? Oh, that’s right, it hasn’t. Because it’s all … a secret. A secret that we the people will never hear about. Maybe these CIA “agents” are all lounging around in the Pentagon smoking Cohibas and laughing at the foolishness of Americans who think they’re hard at work protecting our country.
Obviously this isn’t what’s happening. One of the great accomplishments of the American government is its system of checks and balances, which would prevent this very situation. Unfortunately, the reputation of one of the greatest American war generals — David Petraeus — has been tarnished because he couldn’t resist the primal male urges he was born with.
So take a lesson from David Petraeus and his predecessors — John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer. The next time you want to have an affair, you might as well update your Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated,” because everyone’s going to find out anyway.