American Savage: A Syria-s situation for non-celebrities


Three hundred people not named Whitney Houston were killed in shellings in Syria last week, the Arab League confirms. Peace-keeping officers have confirmed that several hundred non-celebrity fatalities have taken place since anti-government protests began last year.

The untalented, inconspicuous commoners won no Grammys before their premature demise, and no interviews had taken place between the victims and Barbara Walters.

Without any top 10 hits, monetary success or public notoriety, the killings will be difficult to investigate, authorities warn.

“Without chart-topping singles, multi-million dollar movies or public emotional breakdowns on prime time, it is very difficult to find leads in such a case,” one Non-Government Official (NGO) said. “No former spouses, previous arrests or concert performances makes our job very difficult.”

The White House has yet to release a statement about the killings, but staffers have made it clear that these non-celebrity victims won’t distract from the goal of bringing peace and stability to the Kardashian family. Senate leadership on both sides of the aisle expressed ambivalence on the issue.

“While tragic, the sudden loss of 300 non-celebrities cannot become a disruption for the United States Congress,” a spokesperson for house majority leader Eric Cantor said in a press conference early Monday. “Congressman Cantor is dedicated to focusing on the important goals of celebrity protection and retention, as well as our continuing push for congressional hearings on President Obama’s high treason.”

Nancy Pelosi, House minority leader, spoke to reporters outside a local winery.

“We are shocked and saddened at the loss of such promising lives. In our country, we dream that more people like them can have the freedom they deserve to live and pursue unprecedented levels of fame, fortune and success. Robbing these Syrian nobodies of their 15 minutes is unspeakable.”

Cantor, who gave his statement before the MPAA, vowed to protect copyright livelihood of any filmmakers looking to purchase the rights to the Syrian massacre in order to produce a product for the American market.

“These deaths and the use of their images as Oscar bait for personal profit must be protected as the heart of liberty,” Cantor said, breathless and hysterical.

The deaths have drawn reactions from the faith community as well. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops also issued statements on the deaths.

“This is a tragedy, but we thank God that such events will provide a platform for the Church to radically defend life by devoting the full force of our time and considerable resources to unflinchingly opposing contraception.”

International news outlets have covered the non-celebrity deaths in full force. The absolute oversaturation of the deaths led experts to speculate that normal-people deaths are bizarre, unnatural exercises in public voyeurism and a significant indicator of the nation’s addiction to normal, unattractive people of modest status.

An extensive international investigation is underway to determine whether anyone famous or even remotely charming are among the dead, but so far medical examiners are relieved to report that nobody of any particular public notoriety or importance are among the beaten, scorched victims.

“It is with great joy that I can report that no people of importance were among the dead today,” Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad said. “As long as the filthy, poor and ugly commoners are the only among the numbered dead, we can continue to protect my presidency with violence without concern of international intervention.”

Amnesty International and the Red Cross are officially involved in efforts to prevent such tragedies in Syria in the future. However, the Red Cross stressed that such prevention is difficult as long as uninteresting, non-English speaking Muslims with hard-to-pronounce names are the only victims.

“Celebrities bring attention to causes, they help us know what we should care about,” one Red Cross official said. “Without a pretty dead white girl, how can people be mobilized against deadly illnesses and drugs?”

In response, the Red Cross is in the midst of an exhaustive search for an international famous person of Syrian descent. Any famous Syrian that is located will be immediately beaten to death in the streets in full view of the public, in order to raise more concern for the Syrian crisis. This plan is based on the current Pentagon strategy in the region which situates B-list celebrities “accidently” in the crossfire in areas of unrest, in order to gain public support.

“Without the death of a wealthy, talented man or woman with facial symmetry and a Twitter account in the Syrian crackdown, we may never give a shit about these people,” the same Red Cross official said.

"American Savage" is a weekly column written by Journal contributing writer Collin Reischman.

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