December 3, 2020

American Savage: Reanimated Reagan

“Not a drum was heard, not a funeral note, as his course to the rampart we hurried. Not a soldier discharged his farewell shot, o’er the grave where our hero was buried.”
— Charles Wolfe

The reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan held a surprise press conference today with representatives stating it would be seeking the Republican Party nomination for president of the United States. The frightening aberration of our 40th president drew sharp criticism from the Romney campaign, which called the announcement, “yet another distraction for the American people, a bump in the inevitability train.” A statement from the Romney campaign also called on the decaying heap of carbon waste to “formally state specific plans for the future, as Governor Romney has.”

Reagan’s announcement has placed Constitutional lawyers in a standoff. While some argue that no specific laws prohibit dead men for seeking the nomination, others maintain that Reagan’s first two terms as a living member of humanity disqualify his eligibility.

“There is no precedent for this kind of thing, so as usual, we are just going to wing it,” a legal representative for the GOP, who asked not to be identified on the grounds it could make him a target for otherworldly reprisals, said. “Then again, we don’t really take the Constitution that seriously, anyway.”

The rotting mass of useless flesh is using this disparity to cast himself as an “outsider.”

“This guy is on the fringe,” a senior aide for the deceased executive said. “He no longer walks within the realm of the living … how’s that for an outsider?”

Though the announcement has electrified many evangelicals in the conservative base, the honeymoon may not last long for the long-since dead movie star.

Some in the Republican power center say  the candidate has too much baggage, citing his reanimation as, “too controversial,” to win in November. The newly awoken Reagan has none of the memories of the man he once was in life. He cannot distinguish between friend and foe, and his thirst for human flesh and companionship cannot be contained.

Fox News anchor Brett Baier called Reagan’s terrifying flesh shell an “energetic twist,” on the campaign. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is already threatening the Romney campaign with rumors abound that he may endorse the creature of the netherworld.  Leading conservative kingmakers are torn on Reagan’s nightmarish monster from the dark abyss. Conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer hailed the announcement as “earth-shattering.”

“Reagan’s corpse means us no harm,” Krauthammer wrote in his weekly column. “He asks only for obedience, loyalty and sacrifice. Under the guidance of the dark master, America can recapture the netherworld and challenge the Lord for universal dominance of the 4th dimension.”

Doctors and scientists warn that electing Reagan could “violate natural law.” Scientists from Stanford University released a study calling the corpse a “horrific caricature of humankind,” and an “obvious crime against man and God, an affront to the holiness of the human soul.” However, the study has done little to deter conservative voters, who disregarded an almost identical finding for former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

The press conference for the “Dead or Alive” campaign was held on live television, but featured few words from the unholy monster.

When the corpse’s press secretary took questions about the health of the candidate, several questions were raised about the ability of the corpse to relate to the voters in a human way.

“Can the candidate answer questions and articulate policy points, or does his decay prevent any sudden facial movements?” Wolf Blitzer of CNN asked.

Pat Buchanan, newly hired spokesperson for the Reagan Dead or Alive Campaign, responded to Blizter:

“The candidate can, in fact, express basic guttural sounds and formulate several loud noises of both approval or disgust,” Buchanan said. “However, through the powers granted to him during his reawakening, he has the ability to communicate with his most loyal followers without spoken words.”

The formerly-alive president promised to increase military spending around the globe, lower domestic income taxes and de-regulate the banking industry, including the repeal of Dodd-Frank. Current polling numbers show Dead Man Reagan is highly popular with white men over 60 and the recently deceased.

When pressed for a direct statement, once-Reagan said, “AAAAAARRNNNNGGG.”

"American Savage" is a weekly column written by Journal contributing writer Collin Reischman.

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