American Savage: Single-celled to single-minded


Over the break, while we were all enjoying time with family, thinking about the nature of the holidays and drinking to violent excess with our old friends from high school, the Missouri House of Representatives did something rather strange.

They read and introduced something called HB 1227, otherwise known as the “Intelligent Design” bill, and officially known as the Missouri Standard Science Act. If enacted, the bill would require, “the equal treatment of science instruction regarding evolution and intelligent design.”

The bill literally requires an equal amount of time and, “teaching materials,” be devoted to intelligent design wherever evolution is taught. Now, engaging members of the conservative Missouri House on an argument of evolution is like driving very slowly past a group of teenage boys: you’re just asking to be brutally verbally assaulted.

I was shocked to read such news. After all, I wasn’t aware our curriculum was up to changes based on preference. But since it is, I must wholeheartedly support this legislation, but only if they make a single addition.

The addition? An amendment clarifying that gravity is only a scientific theory, and that equal time must be given to the “Angel Repellent Theory.” You see, gravity, much like evolution, is a “scientific theory.” The bill has an interesting definition for scientific theory: an inferred explanation of incompletely understood phenomena about the physical universe based on limited knowledge, whose components are data, logic and faith-based philosophy.

I don’t know much, but I’m pretty sure that makes gravity a theory. I mean, it’s certainly not consistent. The gravity on other planets in our solar system varies wildly, and space doesn’t even HAVE gravity. I smell something fishy.

Face it — gravity isn’t 100 percent accurate. But hey, those white lab coat fellas have been busy mapping the human genome and all.

Much like the crafters of HB 1227, I see the truth in all these so-called “scientific theories.” It is all a cheap con — a magic trick pulled by vindictive, agnostic, secular humanists in the scientific community. They wanted to cheapen our God and spit on our Jesus, what with their monkey family trees and carbon dating.

The Angel Repellent Theory makes up for this bizarre “gravity” theory that is so filled with holes. It essentially says angels play an active role in keeping people and objects here on Earth. They push very hard against anyone trying to get into space, because that’s where heaven is, six blocks past the moon and to the left — you can’t miss it. Now, if you push back hard enough, i.e. space shuttles, ICBMs, you can get past, but then you’ll be in a place without angels at all, and this thing we know as “gravity” will simply evaporate. The angel will let you float frictionless and whimsically until you freeze in the cold vacuum of space.

And since our country is based entirely on our ability to perceive and know God —or liberty, whatever — it is essential our children are protected from the lies of evolution and gravity, which only remove God from their lives by giving them fact-based answers to faith-based questions.

“How did we get here?” is not an invitation for anyone with a Ph.D. to address the room — it’s an invitation for someone to read from Genesis. As the Greeks and Romans taught us, we need the supernatural world to explain the way our natural world operates. Just as the Greeks knew the Earth did not rotate, but that Mars carried the Sun across the sky in a chariot, so do American Christians know we did not evolve from lesser organisms: we appeared out of thin air after God said a magic spell.

The journey from single-celled organisms to single-minded organisms was not a trial of billions of organisms advancing toward their potential by mutation and selection: it was a six-day workweek for the local deity.

Normally we could attribute this kind of mind-melting legislation to the heavy drinking in the halls of our Capitol Building. But because this vote was organized and backed almost entirely by shame-based religions that view self-indulgence as a kind of Satanic ritual, that won’t work this time.

You see, this is the kind of unnatural indoctrination of our children that can only really be accomplished if it’s draped in a crucifix or an American flag. Remember: laws that prohibit my deadly weapon or require me to purchase health insurance are infringements on my freedom, but laws requiring a specific religious creationist theory to be taught to my impressionable children are patriotic.

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