American Savage: Girls, Girls, Girls


Ladies, we need to talk. We’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but we can’t really delay it any longer. First, you mercilessly destroyed the heretofore-spotless reputation of one Herman Cain by having the sheer audacity of being sexually harassed in the workplace, and then informing attorneys.
And, as my colleagues at Fox News have rightly noted — in between frothing-mad brainstorming sessions on squashing the Bolshevik revolution currently taking place in Zuccoti Park — Herman Cain is a black man.
Can anyone deny that these sexual harassment charges were obviously brought based entirely on race? A recent scientific report indicates that any extended eye contact with Herman Cain technically constitutes second-degree molestation, so how can the man be blamed for his wandering hands?
Ladies, what happened to the good ol’ days when sexual harassment was seen as a complimentary remark on one’s skills? And why haven’t any of you women informed Kim Kardashian that proper, upstanding women know they are to remain in unhappy marriages for their entire lives, living quietly in desperate wistfulness?
I think it’s time we had a serious discussion about this. You’re now exceeding men in master’s degrees and doctorate programs, which is almost impossible to believe, considering the checks we men have in place to prevent such an ovarian uprising.
And yet, despite our best efforts at subtle brainwashing and gentle suggestions toward traditional lives of married unemploymed housekeeper-dom, you seem almost frightfully determined to best us.
Have we angered you, ladies? Are you experiencing the emotional distress your gender is prone to? Your bizarre attributes like compassion and thoughtfulness have no place in the business of men (which is mostly war, admittedly. But we are very, very good at it).
This just can’t continue. Without proper upstanding brutes at the helm of our scientific research, how can we be certain we will continue to cure impotence and baldness in lieu of ninny diseases like cancer and HIV? What kind of monstrous agenda do your female engineers and scientists have planned when they best our finest trained cavemen in a battle of the beakers? How will you continue at the business of advancing the species and fostering the young if you’re too busy challenging the status quo of absolute masculine dominance that has worked out so well?
What right does your kind have, presuming to tell us not to fight, drink or strike children in public? Just because you teach and raise all of the children, work bedside in all the hospitals and regularly work in social care and nonprofit employment doesn’t make you better than us, the bloodthirsty warriors.
Who would have protected you from those other, strange looking men, if not for us? Who would have made sure those funny looking, funny talking, funny smelling men didn’t come around and defile your homes and families, if not for us and our many, many phallic shaped weapons?
You clearly have forgotten how much you need us, the men. While you were screaming and screeching, pushing life out of your womb, we brought ice chips. Where would you be without those ice chips? And while you were busy carrying that life for nine months, puking and swelling up like an infected balloon, we bravely held your hair, and said you were still pretty.
And despite all of this, you outlive us. Your life spans exceed ours in every developed nation despite being the smaller, weaker sex. Despite rape, sexual assault, domestic abuse, breast cancer and childbirth, you still live longer than we do. What secret of health and happiness are you keeping from us? What sinister fountain of youth are you accessing while we are out conducting the business of plundering, greed and violence?  What are you up to, ladies?

American Savage is a weekly column written by Journal opinion editor Collin Reischman

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