September 21, 2019

American Savage: How Can We Improve Your Stay?

Collin Reischman is a regular columnist for The Journal. He is a junior journalism major and Opinion Editor.

It was at the weekly “Suggestion Box Meeting for America” that I realized that we might be doomed. The weekly reading of suggestions left by foreign tourists on improving the welcoming atmosphere of America was the brainchild of Robert N. Weave of the Desperate Measures for Desperate Times department.

Hotels and restaurants already feature these feedback tools. They ask patrons to make a few suggestions or comments on how they can improve.

These boxes sit at all international airport hubs, waiting gleefully for exiting tourists to comment on their stay in our fine country. Once a week, the suggestions are read, many of them just aren’t doable, as Weave put it.

“Could we get less fried food and more naturally grown vegetables? I don’t think I’ve eaten anything during my stay in this country that was grown in the last fiscal year.”

Well sure, if you can convince Americans to buy food that costs more and can’t be made in under two minutes at three in the morning. But you can’t.

“I was in South Africa last summer with my life partner. Legally, our relationship is protected under the law there, but not here in the States. Are you aware you’re less progressive than South Africa?”

With DADT already fading into an embarrassing memory of our simple-minded past we might well catch up with those South African elitist liberals yet.

Of course, thousands of comments on American military action can hardly be ignored.

“Each Tomahawk missile costs more than one million dollars. Perhaps this money could be spent on your failing schools, massive debt or laughable public services?”

Concepts like that were well above Weave’s pay grade. Besides, the sheer badassery of the word “Tomahawk Missile” totally makes it worth the cost.

“How can a nation that identifies as overwhelmingly Christian possibly ignore the millions of suffering in poverty all around them? Didn’t Jesus once say ‘that which you have done to the least of my brothers, you do to me’?”

Because American Christianity focuses primarily on inhibiting rights of homosexuals, discriminating against immigrants (legal or not), protecting the rights of the wealthy and establishing unflinchingly rigid reproductive guidelines for women.

“Do you really need so many guns? I was here for two days and purchased an automatic weapon with a silencer and an extended clip for the price of a cheap, pre-owned car from a man with less teeth than children.”

Alright, Weave thought, that one was hard to argue with.

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